Stupid Vehicle!

Last week Mrs. Grouchy took the MAV (Mormon Assault Vehicle) to the shop for some preventive maintenance. When the technician saw it was a Ford Windstar he informed her that our van is known as the Ford "Deathstar" among mechanics. After this enlightenment, along with the history of problems I’ve experienced, I decided to do some research on the dependability of this vehicle.

It is official, our van is a piece-of-crap that cost me a small fortune. My realization has caused me to feel a little depressed over the vehicle I picked. That is until I came across a website with some funny comments from people about their vehicles. I hope you enjoy!

Chevrolet Trailblazer
"It was a warm (88 degrees) sunny day. We were about to leave a local
store and upon closing the front drivers and passenger doors the rear glass
'EXPLODED'!!!!! There were no bullet holes, rocks, rake and torch waving
villagers, nothing that could have caused this..."
Mramirez142 in Abilene, TX, USA

Dodge Ram 1500 4.7L
"The truck started backfiring and that is so embarrassing. Especially
when there are a s***-load of people at the store when you're trying to leave
and everyone ducks because they think it's a drive by."
Kayla L. in Kinder, Louisiana, USA

Ford Escape XLT 3.0L
"C'mon Ford, can you design a vehicle? Put the exhaust right next to the
alternator, stupid!...Then try to put the d** thing [alternator] on! You
need the brain of an engineer, the hands of a strong midget wrestler, and the
neck of an ostrich to even think about this task. Who designed this? ... I
hope I never meet the engineer who deigned this piece of crap in a dark
alley!"
Jeanie N. in Bismarck, ND, USA

Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo 4.0L
"For the past couple of years, my jeep will simply stall without
warning. Engine warm, engine cold, hot weather, cold weather, full moon, no
moon, democrats in office, republicans in office, there is no pattern..."
Malcolmoffire in Houston, Texas, USA

Dodge Ram 1500 4.7L
"The d** truck smokes worse than a freight train and its kinda
embarrassing! Especially when you are going to pass someone and your d**
truck smokes soooooo d** bad that you can't even see the vehicle behind you
anymore!"
Kayla L. in Kinder, Louisiana, USA

Dodge Grand Caravan SXT 3.8L V6
"We noticed that the airbag light was on so we brought it in to the
local dealer for repair. The mechanic called us and told us the two of the
airbag sensors and the wiring harnesses were badly corroded and needed to be
replaced. He then told us that this was NOT covered by our Chrysler Added
Care Plus 7/70 extended warranty . . . I called the warranty center and they
confirmed that this problem is the result of the "Act of God"; therefore it
is not covered by the warranty. Since when does God spread salt on the
roads?"
Camtis in Zimmerman, MN, USA

Oldsmobile Alero
"I was in my home enjoying relaxation time with my family. Then, out the
blue, my car was sounding off something terrible. I was shocked, puzzled, and
bamboozled!!!! Then, I was like "How am I going to stop this horn"? I tried
pressing the buttons on the keys to stop the alarm. Then I began pressing on
the horn. It stopped. Of course, that was short lived. I was PISSED CLEAN THE
H*** OFF!!!!! People outside looking at my ride and me like a d**fool. I
thought I was a d** alien. I kept pressing the horn & it finally stopped.
Again, same ol song. I was HEATED!!!!!!! So here it is 2am in the morning and
as soon as I doze off, my d** horn decides to serenade the neighborhood."
Mizzra in Mansfield, Ohio, USA

Wow, I feel much better about my "Deathstar" after reading, and rereading, these comments. It appears that I'm not the only one to be fooled with the "buy American" campaign. I guess I should have bought a Honda!

One Clueless General

This weekend was our annual records review for soldiers in the unit. The review is a logistical requirement that comes from Department of the Army. Therefore, we have no choice in completing the task. Annual records review consists of three basic parts: 1) soldiers sign a Statement of Accountability that simply says they have all their equipment and it’s in serviceable condition. 2) Soldiers have to update a DA Form 4886, which accounts for clothing the Army has given them.

This form is something every soldier has used since Basic Training. Commissioned officers just write sizes on the 4886 without signing. This is because they usually buy their own clothing. The sizes on the 4886 help us to get soldiers their necessary gear when they deploying. You would be amazed at how many soldiers can’t complete basic Army Form correctly.

Just recently we had a CW5 (Chief Warrant Officer), with over 30 years in the Army, come into the supply room upset because we asked him for sizes on his clothing form. He stated that he had never filled out a 4886 before and we were wasting his time. We patiently listened to his ramblings as I thought to myself, “waste, that is every time this guy receives a paycheck from the Army.”

3) We use a DA Form 3645 for the accountability of “Field Gear” (i.e., sleeping bag, backpack, and other camping items). This form is automated, it requires a soldier to “digitally sign” using a military website. This morning we had a “One Star” yell at us and angrily leave the supply room because he couldn't figure out how to sign his form. Somehow the General thought his stupidity was our fault.

Honestly, I have young E-2’s (Privates) complete this task without any major problems, but today it really baffled our General. When he left I just had to shake my head in amazement. If he can’t even sign a piece of paper using basic computer technology, how is anything getting done around this place? Think about the amount of times you sign your name (i.e., credit cards, online user agreements, etc.) in a day without any problems, and you're not incharge of thousands of soldiers.

Who is signing for the organization? Approving policies? Most importantly, how am I getting paid? I have an answer to all these questions. It’s being done by little green leprechauns! Yes, I’ve heard they complete any task through hard work and a large pot of gold. I've also heard this is how President Obama plans on succeeding with Health Care Reform.

One Stupid Company Commander

Today my unit had a family party at a local park and it was exceptionally good in almost every way. The ladies from Family Support worked really hard to make a wonderful event. They had a nice barbecue, a Jump-House for the kids, activities for the teens and a dessert bake-off for the wife’s. They even had a raffle with some great prizes for any willing participants. The event started off well and everyone was happy.

I must admit that I was feeling a little guilty for not inviting Mrs. Grouch and the kids, as I devoured some tasty barbecued pork, while sitting in the company of old friend. The day was perfect, which is a rarity for any party sponsored by the military. That is why I seldom invite Mrs. Grouchy and the kids to such events. During 19 years in the military, I have learned a few things. One is that when it comes to unit parties it is best for Mrs. Grouchy to stay home. This is because the day usually ends with Mrs. Grouchy being completely disgusted and frustrated with the military.

Over the years, some notable disgust has been from the following observations: excessive alcohol use among young soldiers, improperly cooked food that produced unwanted results, awards programs that were designed to stroke the egos of overpaid officers, and parties that were planned during Sunday morning church services.

Today I was pleasantly surprised with the unit party until the Commander stood up and said he had a quick brief he wanted to give us while we ate. I should have known things were about to get bad when the ladies from Family Support immediately wisked all the small children away for a preplanned game.

After some beating-around-the-bush by my fine Commander, he told us the topic of the brief. It was Suicide Prevention for soldiers. Wow, what a quick way to spoil my appetite. Try listening to 30 minutes of statistics, perceived causes, ridiculous solutions, and warning signs for suicides. Then to top it off, he had to rehash a suicide which recently occurred in our organization.

The Captain made it sound like he knew and understood this guy who died, but it was apparent he didn't. This is when I wanted to say “Hey Captain, you don’t know jack-sh*# about this soldier. Just sit down and shut up."

Let me tell you his story. Gus was a guy who had everything going for him. He had a good civilian job, a nice family and a promising military career. Then the Army decided to send him to Iraq. While in Iraq, he went through some events that changed his life and caused him to have long-term problems we call PTSD. After his time in Iraq, the transition back to civilian life didn’t work out so well. Gus had problems that caused him and his wife to separate.

Then the Army decided to send him on a short-tour to South America. While he was away Gus made a big mistake, he became romantically involved with a local gal. After he returned to the States, a soldier from his unit decided to tell Gus's wife about the affair. This caused a divorce and limited visitation rights with his kids. After the divorce Gus lost his civilian job.

Then the Army went one step farther and barred him from reenlistment. He lost his family, job and military career after a 14 month deployment to Iraq. My friend Gus committed suicide only a few days before he was to be discharged from the military.

Fortunately for me, today I kept my thoughts to myself as I listened to a stupid officer talk about someone he didn't know or understand. At the end of the brief, I took my unfinished meal and threw it into the garbage. I left the party early and spent the rest of the afternoon at a local sporting goods store before I returned home to my family.

I'm just glad that I did not invite Mrs. Grouch to the party!

An Adventure I wasn't Expecting

Today I was riding my mountain bike high up on a trail when I heard lightning behind me. I turned and noticed down in the city the sky was covered with some very dark clouds. I immediately started making my way back down the mountain. Well, I didn’t get very far when it started to sprinkle, then it started to rain, then I was in the middle of a downpour and I was being pelted with hail.

At that point in time, I thought to myself, this sucks! I took cover in the doorway of a local church, while observing a small river form on the road in front of me. I watched as beautifully manicured yards were washed away and a million dollar home was completely flooded.

The following pictures are what I saw after the storm. When I peddled my bike through two feet of water, as my teeth were chattering, and all I could think about was a warm shower at the end of my long ride!

Federal court ruling on Proposition 8 a case of judicial tyranny

Author: Tim Wildmon

The people of California spoke clearly at the polls in 2008 when they passed an amendment to the state Constitution that defined marriage as a union between one man and one woman. The public debate was held, the media wars were fought, both sides spent millions of dollars, and the people voted for Proposition 8 by a margin of 52 percent to 48 percent.

The people's will carried the day, as it is supposed to — until U.S. District Chief Judge Vaughn R. Walker came along.

Last week, Walker nullified the votes of 7,001,084 people. In his decision to invalidate the constitutional amendment, he wrote: "That the majority of California voters supported Proposition 8 is irrelevant."

This judge believes that defining a person by sexual behavior is the same as defining a person by skin color. And given the fact that he is widely reported to be gay, it is obvious he believed this before the case was even brought to his courtroom. Walker should have recused himself, but he had a legal and political statement he wanted to make.

Colin L. Powell once said of this comparison: "Skin color is a benign, nonbehavioral characteristic. Sexual orientation is perhaps the most profound of human behavioral characteristics. Comparison of the two is a convenient but invalid argument." This case will end up in the U.S. Supreme Court sometime soon, and there will be a 4-4 split in opinion, leaving the decision once again to one man in a black robe — Justice Anthony M. Kennedy.

The Constitution envisioned a system in which the judiciary would serve to check the excesses of the legislative or executive branches. But today, federal judges have far exceeded their intended role, becoming little gods in our republic. They have lifetime appointments, and their only accountability is the potential for impeachment.

But in the history of our country, only 15 judges have been impeached by the House of Representatives. Of those, four were acquitted, seven were convicted, three resigned, and one is still pending. In other words, Congress almost never removes federal judges. For all practical purposes, the checks and balances of the federal government no longer exist. The judiciary trumps. Our country is basically now run by judges.

Thomas Jefferson warned about this possibility in a Sept. 28, 1820, letter to William Ja rvis: "You seem ... to consider the judges as the ultimate arbiters of all constitutional questions; a very dangerous doctrine indeed, and one which would place us under the despotism of an oligarchy. Our judges are as honest as other men, and not more so ... and their power (is) the more dangerous, as they are in office for life and not responsible, as the other functionaries are, to elective control. The Constitution has erected no such single tribunal, knowing that to whatever hands confided, with corruptions of time and party, its members would become despots."

The Founding Fathers understood the selfish and sinful nature of man and therefore divided the government up so that no one branch would be all powerful over the other branches or over the American people. What we have today is judicial tyranny and exactly what Jefferson feared. Unless Congress asserts its constitutional power of impeachment, judges will continue to impose their personal opinions on whatever controversy is before them, regardless of what the Constitution does or does not say.
In his ruling, Walker wrote: "The evidence shows conclusively that moral and religious views form the only basis for a belief that same-sex couples are different from opposite-sex couples."

This is clearly a judge imposing his personal opinions. What Walker is saying is that you cannot hold a valid view about marriage if you base it on religion or morality. Those are illegitimate considerations in his worldview.

Contrast Walker's dismissal of our country's rich Judeo-Christian heritage with George Washington's affirmation in his famous farewell address: "Of all the dispositions and habits which lead to political prosperity, religion and morality are indispensable supports."
If moral and religious values are no longer valid, what does the judge put in their place? I would suggest, as Jefferson wrote in the Declaration of Independence, that we continue to rely on, and revere, "the laws of nature and nature's God."

A Happy Day

Today is a happy day for me because I just finished a week of camping with the Boy Scouts. The event was one that I had been dreading for weeks. I liken it to seeing the dentist. It is something that you know has to be done, but you’re usually not excited to do. This year our scout troop went into a mountain area that was over 10,000 feet in elevation and spent the week fishing, hiking and kayaking. The trip would have been perfect, if I didn’t have to manage nine rambunctious boys.

President Monson has stated that the rising generation is “the very best ever” (see “Constant Truths for Changing Times,” Ensign, May 2005). Honestly, his statement has baffled me because I've studied previous generations and I question the quality of this one. Just look back at the generation of Americans who gained independence from England and constructed a Constitution. Their work has withstood the test of time. Does this not make them the best generation? Then think about the pioneer generation that crossed this massive country in search of religious freedom. Were they not a great generation? Then there is my father’s generation, they suffered through the Great Depression and defeated the Nazis in World War II. Many people, including myself, believe that they ware the greatest generation. Am I wrong in my thinking?

During my week with the boys I decided to see if President Monson’s statement on their greatness is correct. We were in an uncomfortable situation which created a perfect environment for true observations. I figured a primitive wilderness, harsh mountain weather, excessive mosquitoes, elevation sickness, along with a week away from Mommy, would contribute to the boys showing their true personalities.

My observations went as follows:
- On the first day, a boy stuck a knife into his head. Yes you read correctly, the boy was throwing his knife at a squirrel high up in a pine tree. Then Newton’s Universal Law of Gravitation occurred with the knife coming down and planting itself into his noggin.
- On the second day, I observed boys whittling spears out of wood and then they proceeded to hunt a family of chipmunks.
- On the third day, we left our campsite and hiked four miles to a remote lake. During the hike we passed many young women’s groups and I never observed any of these girls complaining. However, many of the boys in our group complained without ceasing.
- On the fourth day, we return to our campsite and the boys continued honing their hunting skills. That evening one of the boys made a lucky throw and killed a chipmunk with a rock.
- On the fifth day, the boys killed an entire family of chipmunks. They used peanuts as bait, along with rocks and spears for weapons. After the extermination of the chipmunks, I seriously wondered about President Monson’s statement because I had observed a scene similar to one from the novel Lord of the Flies.

Then everything change for me late that evening. It was just before we went to bed when the Scoutmaster told a riveting story of the mythical creature called Sasquatch (sometimes called Bigfoot). The boys sat mesmerized as the Scoutmaster spun a fictional story of his meeting the elusive beast. After the story ended, one of the boys spoke up without hesitation and said, “I just finished reading The Book of Genesis and I think Bigfoot is actually Cain.” The boy then proceeded to explain the similarities between the two characters and how Cain was given a curse that caused him to not die. Then another boy spoke up and said, “The way I figure, Cain is working for Satan. But John the Beloved and the Three Nephites are working for God. So it is four-against-one odds in our favor. Well, I’m not afraid of Bigfoot and am going to bed.”

Hey folks, maybe President Monson is correct on their potential. Because it only took these boys a matter of minutes to debunk the great Bigfoot legend (see The Miracle of Forgiveness, pages 127-128) that has existed for many years among the confused believers!

Two New Additions

The Grouchy home has recently gained two new additions, “Buford” and “Socks.” Yes we now have two cats, and no they were not my idea. What happened was my sister, the cat lover, played a fast one on me by invited my kids over to her house to see her cute little kittens. Then for the next month all I heard was “Dad can we please have a kitten? “ My sister then snookered me a second time when she convinced Mrs. Grouch that two kittens were better than one. See said that two kittens will entertain each other and we will not have as much meowing, howling, crying, and whatever the heck cats do! Surprisingly, my wife fell for the whole bunch of nonsense.

Well, I thought I would payback my sister so I asked to have her completely black kitten and then told the kids I would be naming that cat. The kids reluctantly agreed to the deal and I announced his name would be “Buford.” My wife asked, “Why Buford?” I smiled and said the cat would be named after one of my favorite characters, Sheriff Buford T. Justice, from the movie Smoky and the Bandit.

After the kids agreed to the name, I announced my real intent when my sister came over for a visit. I had a different name in mind for the black cat. He would be called “Bad-Luck-Buford” and I told my sister that every time I felt like my luck was going south, I would hock a loogie on Buford and that would brighten my future. (Excerpt from a book on superstitions, “When a black cat passes in front of you, spit, to avert bad luck.”)

My sister, the cat lover, was not amused with my big idea that involved loogies. But I must admit that the whole thing made me laugh and laugh. Then I found out that her young daughter cried when she had heard that I was going to be spiting on her favorite little kitty. So I had to think of a way to redeem myself and still enjoy the happiness of a masterly crafted victory.

Yesterday, I found a dead mouse near were the kittens had been playing in the yard. Without any hesitation, I marched into the house and announced to the kids that the kittens are already doing their job as mousers. I explained how I found the dead mouse and I was sure that the kittens had killed it. I told the kids that Buford has been renamed, he will now be called “Good-Luck-Buford.”

The plan went just as expected, today in church the kids excitingly told their cousins about the captured mouse and the cat’s name change. Everyone is blissfully happy this evening, and after the kids went to bed I snuck outside and threw away all the remaining mouse poison from inside the shed. The way I figured is one of two things happened: The mouse ate my poison and died near the shed, or the kittens got lucky and they had their first kill. Well, I’m going with the latter for the sake of family happiness.

Writer's Block

Recently, I have been suffering from writer's block. This is due to the fact that Mr. Big has been out of town and the rest of "thinking heads" (senior staff) have been occupied with upcoming deployments. Therefore, work has been surprisingly normal. I've supplied you with something that should make you smile. I discovered this story and it is worth sharing.


One summer day years ago, I pulled over to the side of the highway, got out of my truck and threw my cell phone as far as I could into D C Reservoir.

Note: I realize that introducing a cell phone battery into a body of water is ecologically unsound. However, please understand that I was in a rage at the time and, furthermore, today I still don't care. But I promise not to do it again.

Ditching my phone remains in my Top Ten Favorite Memories. I still get a shiver of pleasure when I recall that it was ringing when it hit the water.

The call may have been an emergency of some sort. We'll never know for sure because nothing developed later that suggested my immediate attention was required at that moment.

I bought the phone believing it would give me more freedom. I was the editor of a small newspaper at the time. With the ability to be called anywhere, I wouldn't be chained to a desk.

What an idiot. Having a cell phone on my hip was like taking my desk with me everywhere I went, including to the bathroom.

Within a matter of days, the entire world was calling with important stuff I needed to know about right then. Here's a sampling:

"Some guy wants you to call him."

"The copier is jammed again."

"Hey, whatcha doing?"

"Bring me some nachos."

"Mr. K, would you be interested in a comparison quote ...?"

I was on my way to H City when I hit my limit. Ring. Ring. Ring. SCREEEECH! Slam. Throw. Kerplunk!

The rest of the week was spent in blissful silence. If my cell phone rang during that time, only fish knew about it.

I wish it had been a matter of simply turning off the phone and picking up my messages later, but that didn't really work for me. First of all, I didn't want to call everyone back. Second, I resented the growing expectation that I had to be immediately available to whoever had my number.

"Well, I called your cell phone," was the accusatory response whenever someone wanted my attention.

I have a cell phone today. I bought another one when my wife got cancer. They're handy, but I'm not going to become another OCD (obsessive communication dork) who can't imagine life without tweeting, twittering and texting.

Prediction: Fifty years from now, the No. 1 medical procedure performed in America will be thumb knuckle replacement surgery.

Yesterday, someone was annoyed that I hadn't received a text message that a meeting had been canceled. When I told him that I didn't have a Whackberry and wasn't going to get one, he was incredulous. He looked at me like I was a caveman.

My friend said his electronic tumor only cost a couple of hundred bucks up front, and another hundred a month for the service. He felt like it was a small price to pay for being instantly available.

I still feel like it's a lot of money just to give fish something to do.

written by R K

Special People in Airports

Today I had to travel across the country on TDY (temporary duty) orders so that I could attend some logistics training. I was bored much of the day, therefore, I utilized the opportunity to make a few observations of people in airports. I suspect you might have had similar observations during your travels.

First, have you noticed the special people who try to get “everything but the kitchen sink” onto the plane as carry-on baggage? These people are too cheap to pay baggage fees, so they just drag everything onto the aircraft. These idiots cause problems for the rest of us because they hog precious space in the overhead compartments. This means that you are forced to stow away your stuff in space that is designed for your legs. Then your legs are completely numb by the time you reach your final destination because they are crammed between your backpack and coat.

Second, am I the only person that thinks the preferred customers program for airlines stink? Who cares if you belong to the gold, silver, diamond, sapphire, platinum or other silly programs! Hey Buddy, go ahead and be the first person onto that cramped plane. I’ll stay out in this spacious lobby for as long as possible. Don’t worry about that little old lady using the walker to get onto the aircraft. She’ll get out of your way because you’re a real special person! The rule is: Pay a little extra money for an airplane ticket and you’re entitled to forget all your manners.

Third, have you noticed the clowns that have to advertise their favorite sports team for all to see? These walking billboards usually wear an entire wardrobe of their team’s colors and logo. Hey Crazy Sports Guy, do you really need a hat, shirt, coat, gloves and backpack with your team’s colors and logo? I don’t care how much you love the Indianapolis Colts. Your team still lost the big game to a football team from N-E-W O-R-L-E-A-N-S and you paid way too much money for that “official” team gear!

Forth, have you seen some of the goofy clothing styles people think are nifty? Hey Gangster Wannabe, I don’t need to see your nappy butt. Pull up those baggy pants or take the chance of me depositing my unwanted change into that crack you have on display. Also, have you notice that stretch pants are the new style among trendy young women? Honestly, these pants make ladies look like they are just wearing a pair of long underwear. I thinking this style might be a sign of the times. It appears that women on a budget might not be able to afford a stylish pair of jeans or a skirt, but they can afford a nice pair of long underwear. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining about the new style, except when it is a 200 pound woman who is sporting these nifty stretch knit leggings. Hey Supersized Lady, you have way too much jiggle in the wiggle to sport that big caboose in public!

After spending a day in some airports across America, I’ve decided that this country is just full of special people. I can now understand how it is possible that I have a Commander-In-Chief who goes by the name Barack.

One Annoying Auditor

In the military there are two groups of people that really annoy me. The first group is civilians who work for the military. I’m not taking about retired soldiers who have done their time. I’m talking about the fat slobs that have never spent a day in the military, but feel they are entitled to a military job. These slugs often earn three to four times the amount of money I make for doing the exact same job. In Iraq and Afghanistan they were usually overweight - ignorant - bumpkins with a Texas accent that worked for companies like KBR (Kellogg Brown and Root). Too often, these leeches treat soldiers like second class citizens, and got away with it because they manage facilities (i.e., chow halls, logistics centers, bathing trailers, laundry facilities, etc.)that are essential in a combat zone.

The second group of people that annoy me is those who have used nepotism to succeed in the military. They are soldiers who get special treatment because they’re related to General _____, Sergeant Major _____, or Colonel _____. Recipients of nepotisms have to be treated very gently or they will cry to their person in power. Then daddy, mommy, sibling or in-law will go out of his/her way to make your life miserable.

One of the things I do in my job is purchase items for the Army. I frequently use a GPC (Government Purchase Card) to accomplish this task. A GPC is basically a visa credit card that is managed by the government and has strict regulations regarding its proper use. I’ve been using a GPC for a long time so I understand what can, and cannot, be done with the card. I guess that is why I often get tasked with making unusual purchases with my card.

Over the years, I have made some really goofy purchases with my government credit card. For instance, I’ve rented a wind tunnel for Special Ops soldiers, bought medical supplies for a veterinarian going to Mongolia and paid for the use of a very expensive conference room at a five-star hotel for Mr. Big and his pals. Every time I make one of these silly purchases I have a “knucklehead” in fiscal wanting to me to justify what I have done.
Recently, I have had to deal with a really stupid auditor in fiscal. This special gal is part of my two least favorite groups: First, she is employed by the army and has never served in the military. Second, she is related to someone in power who made sure she was hired. Therefore, I have very little respect for her.

On Thursday, this gal sent me another e-mail wanting me to justify two purchases that I recently made. What frustrates me the most is this stupid gal doesn’t understand that I did not want to make either purchase, but I’m a soldier and follow orders. Therefore, when Mr. Big (who holds title of general) gives me an order, I do it without questioning. However, this gal doesn’t understand basic military logic. Therefore, I usually just reply to her with a silly answer to complete her requirements, and satisfy my frustrations. This was our last e-mail traffic:

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SGT Grouchy,
Good morning I am reviewing your GPC statement and have some questions, if you would email me back with a description of what was purchased and why it was purchased for the transactions below.

12/08/09 Jim’s Office Products for $2999.90
01/13/09 Sammy’s Stamp & Trophy for $340.50

Thanks,
Miss Special
GPC Auditor

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Dear Miss Special,
On 8 December 2009, I purchased office furniture from Jim’s Office Products that is being used in Mr. Big’s office. The old furniture in his office didn't seem to meet his taste and desired décor.

On 13 January 2010, I purchased coffee cups from Sammy’s Stamp and Trophy because Mr. Big ordered me to do it. I think he wanted to give more than just a pat on the back to each recipient of the highly covenanted Employee-of-the-Month Award.

For what it is worth, the coffee cups cost much more then what they are worth. They are oddly shaped and make it impossible to drink coffee without spilling down the front of your shirt. However, Mr. Big is Mormon and I don’t think he cares how well they work. Please feel free to ask him why we paid $30 each for a product that does not work.

Thanks,
SGT. Grouchy
Supply

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A Clever Criminal

We recently had a thief in the building which had many people on edge. In the military a thief is considered to be a scourge of humanity because in our environment you have to be able to trust your compatriots. If a soldier steals from you then how can you ever trust him to cover your back in battle? In the beginning, the problem started with a small heist, candy was taken from the top of a desk. The thief then moved onto larger targets and stole lunches from cubicles and goodies from the break room. In the short space of a few months this despicable character struck numerous times and seemed to be focused on the areas where some of our larger folks reside. Apparently, he had an irresistible craving for food that made you fat.

The bandit did eventually go too far when he broke into the desk of a very special lady and ate her secret stash of Goobers. Well, this caused the victim (an annoying lady with a rotund figure) to complain profusely to Mr. Big and he placed our security folks on notice. They were given a choice, find the thief or look for new employment. Even with the increased vigilance from Barney Fife and his associates, the mysterious disappearance of goodies kept occurring. This was until one evening when a soldier working late caught a glimpse of the thief moving between two cubicles. The soldier immediately tried to apprehend the criminal but was unsuccessful, however, evidence in the form of an empty candy wrapper was left behind.

The next day the thief was seen again. This time he was spotted running down the hallway and it was observed that he had four legs and a tail. It appears that our clever thief was actually a very fat raccoon who was homesteading in the G1 area. The problem was eventually resolved by one resourceful maintenance man who acquired a live trap and baited the device with his half eaten ham sandwich. The four legged bandit was quickly apprehended. Then the maintenance man took the unwanted guest and placed him in the back of his truck while a group of PETA lovers (a few concerned women) petitioned for the release of this four legged bandit. The maintenance man polity explained to these ladies that the raccoon would be released in the wild where he could frolic and live his days in happiness. The answer seemed to clear the consciences of the PETA lovers and they returned to their AO (area of operations).

However, I am guessing these concerned ladies didn’t know what I know. Our maintenance man has a little secret. He moonlights as a fur tanner to make extra money for his frequent hunting trips. I believe it’s safe to say that this raccoon never received a pardon, however, I am sure he made one happy maintenance man a very fine coonskin cap!

A Christmas Wish

Mrs. Grouchy recently made a visit to Ham King’s school. During the visit she noticed his class had completed a writing assignment that was prominently displayed on the wall. The writing assignment was titled “My Christmas Wish.” For the assignment each child was asked write about a single Christmas wish that would reflect the true meaning of Christmas. Across the wall was displayed various responses. For instance, one child desired toys for all children. Another asked for peace in the world. Some wishes even reflected the problems of today. A little girl wished her father could find a job, while a boy wrote that he wanted his mother to be finished with college so they could have more time together.

One child wrote that he wished his family had more money. Ironically, his dad is our dentist and I’m certain that they have plenty of money, especially mine! One of the most touching wishes came from Ham King’s friend. This boy wrote that he just wanted his grandpa back. The wish was heart wrenching because the boy’s grandfather recently passed away. After reading all of these unique wishes my wife excitedly looked for our boy’s wish. She was certain it would be an example of wisdom, insight and good will. After some searching among the wishes Mrs. Grouchy found our boy’s wish and was a little surprised with what he wrote.

This year, Ham King’s greatest desire and wish for Christmas was to have some “good weather” because he just wants to go outside and play with his friends!