A Clever Criminal

We recently had a thief in the building which had many people on edge. In the military a thief is considered to be a scourge of humanity because in our environment you have to be able to trust your compatriots. If a soldier steals from you then how can you ever trust him to cover your back in battle? In the beginning, the problem started with a small heist, candy was taken from the top of a desk. The thief then moved onto larger targets and stole lunches from cubicles and goodies from the break room. In the short space of a few months this despicable character struck numerous times and seemed to be focused on the areas where some of our larger folks reside. Apparently, he had an irresistible craving for food that made you fat.

The bandit did eventually go too far when he broke into the desk of a very special lady and ate her secret stash of Goobers. Well, this caused the victim (an annoying lady with a rotund figure) to complain profusely to Mr. Big and he placed our security folks on notice. They were given a choice, find the thief or look for new employment. Even with the increased vigilance from Barney Fife and his associates, the mysterious disappearance of goodies kept occurring. This was until one evening when a soldier working late caught a glimpse of the thief moving between two cubicles. The soldier immediately tried to apprehend the criminal but was unsuccessful, however, evidence in the form of an empty candy wrapper was left behind.

The next day the thief was seen again. This time he was spotted running down the hallway and it was observed that he had four legs and a tail. It appears that our clever thief was actually a very fat raccoon who was homesteading in the G1 area. The problem was eventually resolved by one resourceful maintenance man who acquired a live trap and baited the device with his half eaten ham sandwich. The four legged bandit was quickly apprehended. Then the maintenance man took the unwanted guest and placed him in the back of his truck while a group of PETA lovers (a few concerned women) petitioned for the release of this four legged bandit. The maintenance man polity explained to these ladies that the raccoon would be released in the wild where he could frolic and live his days in happiness. The answer seemed to clear the consciences of the PETA lovers and they returned to their AO (area of operations).

However, I am guessing these concerned ladies didn’t know what I know. Our maintenance man has a little secret. He moonlights as a fur tanner to make extra money for his frequent hunting trips. I believe it’s safe to say that this raccoon never received a pardon, however, I am sure he made one happy maintenance man a very fine coonskin cap!