One Annoying Auditor

In the military there are two groups of people that really annoy me. The first group is civilians who work for the military. I’m not taking about retired soldiers who have done their time. I’m talking about the fat slobs that have never spent a day in the military, but feel they are entitled to a military job. These slugs often earn three to four times the amount of money I make for doing the exact same job. In Iraq and Afghanistan they were usually overweight - ignorant - bumpkins with a Texas accent that worked for companies like KBR (Kellogg Brown and Root). Too often, these leeches treat soldiers like second class citizens, and got away with it because they manage facilities (i.e., chow halls, logistics centers, bathing trailers, laundry facilities, etc.)that are essential in a combat zone.

The second group of people that annoy me is those who have used nepotism to succeed in the military. They are soldiers who get special treatment because they’re related to General _____, Sergeant Major _____, or Colonel _____. Recipients of nepotisms have to be treated very gently or they will cry to their person in power. Then daddy, mommy, sibling or in-law will go out of his/her way to make your life miserable.

One of the things I do in my job is purchase items for the Army. I frequently use a GPC (Government Purchase Card) to accomplish this task. A GPC is basically a visa credit card that is managed by the government and has strict regulations regarding its proper use. I’ve been using a GPC for a long time so I understand what can, and cannot, be done with the card. I guess that is why I often get tasked with making unusual purchases with my card.

Over the years, I have made some really goofy purchases with my government credit card. For instance, I’ve rented a wind tunnel for Special Ops soldiers, bought medical supplies for a veterinarian going to Mongolia and paid for the use of a very expensive conference room at a five-star hotel for Mr. Big and his pals. Every time I make one of these silly purchases I have a “knucklehead” in fiscal wanting to me to justify what I have done.
Recently, I have had to deal with a really stupid auditor in fiscal. This special gal is part of my two least favorite groups: First, she is employed by the army and has never served in the military. Second, she is related to someone in power who made sure she was hired. Therefore, I have very little respect for her.

On Thursday, this gal sent me another e-mail wanting me to justify two purchases that I recently made. What frustrates me the most is this stupid gal doesn’t understand that I did not want to make either purchase, but I’m a soldier and follow orders. Therefore, when Mr. Big (who holds title of general) gives me an order, I do it without questioning. However, this gal doesn’t understand basic military logic. Therefore, I usually just reply to her with a silly answer to complete her requirements, and satisfy my frustrations. This was our last e-mail traffic:

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SGT Grouchy,
Good morning I am reviewing your GPC statement and have some questions, if you would email me back with a description of what was purchased and why it was purchased for the transactions below.

12/08/09 Jim’s Office Products for $2999.90
01/13/09 Sammy’s Stamp & Trophy for $340.50

Thanks,
Miss Special
GPC Auditor

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Dear Miss Special,
On 8 December 2009, I purchased office furniture from Jim’s Office Products that is being used in Mr. Big’s office. The old furniture in his office didn't seem to meet his taste and desired décor.

On 13 January 2010, I purchased coffee cups from Sammy’s Stamp and Trophy because Mr. Big ordered me to do it. I think he wanted to give more than just a pat on the back to each recipient of the highly covenanted Employee-of-the-Month Award.

For what it is worth, the coffee cups cost much more then what they are worth. They are oddly shaped and make it impossible to drink coffee without spilling down the front of your shirt. However, Mr. Big is Mormon and I don’t think he cares how well they work. Please feel free to ask him why we paid $30 each for a product that does not work.

Thanks,
SGT. Grouchy
Supply

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