A Christmas to Remember

Is it just me, or has this been one strange Christmas Season. First, Pope Benedict gets tackled by a crazed lady during Christmas Eve Mass. Honestly, why would anyone do that to an 82 year old man who trying to promote peace and good will. If I was Catholic, I’d be very upset with the Vatican Guards. This lady came into their house and tried to embarrass their leader. All I’m saying is that this woman better not come over to our house and try to embarrass President Monson because she will be schooled in some old fashioned respect. Heck, we’ll just have Donny Osmond pull out a can of whoop a** on this crazy lady and beat her into submission with that mirror-ball trophy he won on “Dancing with the Stars.”

Second, what’s up with Umar “I Wearing Superpants” Abdulmutallab? This guy is a college graduate and he decides to put explosives in his underwear! Dude, do you honestly think that you’ll get 72 virgins in the next life for wearing a diaper made by al-Qaeda! If you want to fight me because I’m a Christian-American-White-Male then lets settle this fight on the battlefield, and not on a civilian aircraft. I’ll even give you a junky Russian made RPG to fight against me and my American made M16. I’m certain I’ll drop you with one shot before you even have a chance to yell “Allahu Akbar.” Hey, if you want an explosion in your underpants then just buy a large bowl of Wendy’s chili!

Third, how about the Christmas gift President Obama and Congress is trying to give us this year? Brilliant idea, let’s put our country into more debt while we’re in a massive recession. I think I’d rather have a lump of coal then this gift! The last time I checked, our country can’t even payback the cash they borrowed from China. Two long wars, the bailing out of Wall Street bums, and a 787 billion dollar Economic Stimulus Bill took everything we had, and then some.

Does anyone actually believe that politicians meddling in health care will save this country money? Please give me one example of a government program that saved money and made a problem better? The Welfare System, Social Security and Medicare – do I need I say more. I’ve got a good idea, have people earn the government health they desperately want. I even know who they can talk to about a respectable job that gives complete insurance coverage (health, life and dental). It’s simple, talk to a recruiter and enlist in the military.

Hey people thanks for letting me rant! For what it is worth, I had a remarkable Christmas Holiday this year. I witnessed a true miracle on Christmas Eve. The story starts with my family and me who were returning home from a nice party at the In-Laws. This is when I witnessed an angelic view from the highway. Like a beacon it the darkness, I beheld a new structure that was shining in the night. I almost crashed into the construction barriers when I realized what I observed. I quickly exited the road and drove toward this wondrous site. We pulled into the parking lot and happily realized it was open for business. Yes, we entered this remarkable structure and did not have to wait behind a single person for our order to be taken. This is when I was overcome with joy and almost started crying. I have waited my entire 40+ years of existence for this dream to become reality.

I can now testify that God does answer prayers because I witnessed a true miracle on Christmas Eve. This was the day when my family and I discovered a new In-n-Out Burger in our hometown!

Skinny's Medieval Weapon

A few days ago Skinny came to me with a request. She had been assigned another project from school and wanted my help. Skinny’s teacher is the project queen and somehow thinks these homework assignments are useful for the kids. But I beg to differ. The projects are usually constructed by me because they are beyond the building skills of my grade school student, or Mrs. Grouchy who has been known to use colorful adjectives to describe her love for these projects.

This year I’ve built a leprechaun trap, diorama, automatic doormat device and a medieval weapon. All of these projects have caused me to give up valuable time that should have been spent watching television, sleeping or working on this silly blog. Like many dutiful dads with kids in elementary school, I begrudgingly build the projects as quick as possible on the night before they are due. However, this homework assignment was different for me because I saw it as an opportunity to payback Skinny’s teacher for all the ridiculous projects I have built.

Honestly, all I heard from Skinny is that she needed to have a medieval weapon for a classroom presentation as I scurried into the garage to work some magic. In less than 30 minutes I made a medieval weapon from an old broom handle, some 550 cord, a handful of nails and a whole lot of duct tape. We (the kids and I) then successfully tested the weapon on our old couch in the TV room. Afterwards, I unveiled my creation to Mrs. Grouchy who just shook her head in disgust and exclaimed, “Skinny cannot take that thing to school.” I replied, “No problem, you can spend your evening making something to replace this weapon.” She then said, “Put that thing in Skinny’s backpack!”

The next day Skinny proudly took my creation to school and anxiously waited for her opportunity to share with the class our weapon. Skinny told me that the other students in the class brought some really neat projects. Like a miniature battering ram that knocked down a wall of plastic building blocks. Another student had a small catapult that launched tennis balls across the room. The teacher seemed impressed with the projects as she had the students explain their creations and give short demonstrations.

That is until my daughter opened her backpack and presented our project to the class. I guess the teacher’s eyes became very big and she gasped in surprise when it was realized what Skinny had brought to school. Fortunately, Skinny was given a passing grade on the project. She was also allowed to explain her weapon to some very interested students (mainly boys) in the class that asked if they could test the weapon out on something, or somebody. I guess that is when the teacher leaned over to Skinny and whispered, “For the sake of safety, why don’t you put that thing back into your backpack and take it home t-o-d-a-y!

In my defense, I didn’t know the project was supposed to be a miniature model of a medieval weapon. Hey, what’s the big deal with a cute little girl bringing a real mace (spiked ball attached to a club) to grade school?

Skinny's Mace

Lieutenant Shawn and the Monster Poop

A few years ago, I had the unfortunate luck of deploying with one of the worst officers in the United States Army. Honestly, I’ve owned dogs that had more common sense then 1LT Shawn exhibited. Just to prove my point, I’ll share a short story with you.

One day we were tasked with loading a large shipping container with equipment that would be shipped overseas. It had to be loaded in a specific way for the military to send the container. Our first attempt at shipping the container failed and we were required to repack the container to the expectations of a very picky loadmaster. The process of repacking required a team of soldiers to accomplish the task. This was not a big deal and we had the project completely under control. However, 1LT Shawn did not trust us and decided to come along and provide close supervision.

When we arrived at the location everyone, except 1LT Shawn, began working together to get the task accomplished in a timely manner. 1LT Shawn decided he was too important for manual labor and found a wall to lean against as he watched us work. We had the loadmaster nearby and occasionally requested his input. This was the only real supervision we required during the project. After a short amount of time our fine officer realized he was not needed, or wanted, on the project.

This is when he pulled a book out of his cargo pocket and proceeded to read from it while we worked. Then he became hungry and pulled two young soldiers from our work detail to get him donuts. He gave them strict orders on what type of donuts he wanted and sent them on their way. But he failed with one necessary requirement for his tasking, and that was a means to pay for his donut craving. Yes it is true, 1LT Shawn ordered two young enlisted soldiers to use their personal money to buy him donuts. The soldiers begrudgingly did as ordered and soon returned with donuts for the entire group. Everyone except for 1LT Shawn pitched in money for the purchase, had a donut, and went back to work. 1LT Shawn went back to leaning against the wall, as he proceeded to read a book on leadership, and eat his donut!

We eventually finished loading the container and the loadmaster certified our container for shipment. Then 1LT Shawn quickly took credit for our work and proudly reported to the battalion commander his success on the task. After that day none of us had any respect for the guy. This should explain why someone made his vehicle inoperable by jacking it up and placing it on blocks. This also should explain why someone stole his head gear, dropped it in a portable toilet, and then left a monster poop on top of an ACU hat with the name SHAWN clearly displayed for all to see!

Mr. Big and the $20 Pen

I recently had a request from Mr. Big, actually it was through his young lackey that I received the request. The General wanted me to buy new furniture for his office. I guess he was tired of looking at the old stuff, even though it was completely serviceable and acceptable to any normal soldier in the Army.

Mr. Big is an interesting guy! The first time I met him was when he came to my office and demanded a special writing pen. The pen he wanted gave him the ability to write at any angle and I actually heard him say, “I need the pen that can be used to write upside down.” At that moment I wanted to say, “Why the h*** do you need a pen that writes upside down? Take this 25 cent ‘Bic’ pen and get out of my office” Instead, I said “Yes Sir” and order the pen for $20 (The pen is built with a pressurized cartridge and that is how it can write upside down).

After my first experience with Mr. Big, I was not shocked when I received his furniture request for almost $4,000. However, I was surprised that he wanted new furniture at the beginning of the fiscal year when money is scarse for non-mission requests. The funding issue occurs annually and we all deal with it until Congress approves a military budget for that year. During the Bush years funding usually came quickly, which was completely opposite when “Billy Boy” was in office. Once during the Clinton years, I was actually ordered to stay home from work for an entire week because the Army could not pay my lowly salary.

Every person that has worked in the government understands the yearly funding issue. Therefore, the General’s request caught me off guard because he should have known better. Reluctantly, I followed through with his request and went to the cubical of our funding manager. I told her about Mr. Big’s desire for new furniture and she immediately said, “No, we don’t have money for that.” She is a civilian, working for the government, and does not understand how special, I mean powerful, Mr. Big is in my world.

After some persistence on my part, and a visit with a colonel who supervises all the funding managers, the money was transferred into my account. I then bought Mr. Big his beautiful furniture while my soldiers ate MRE’s ("Meals Rejected by Ethiopians") at a required training activity because there was no money in the budget for contracted meals.

The Cheap Colonel

The Army in its infinite wisdom decided many years ago to make all commissioned officers pay for their uniforms. This is a rule that every young officer understands. Recently, I had an old colonel stop by my office and ask me when his ACU (Army Combat Uniforms) would be available for pickup. I asked him what he was talking about and he proceeded to tell me how he completed a clothing request form and left it on my desk. He stated that his uniforms were faded and he expected me to get him some new uniforms ASAP.

I told the colonel that I saw the request but didn’t order the uniforms. This upset the colonel and he proceeded to chastise me for not doing my job. I listened to his load of crap for a while and then reminded him of the Army’s policy on purchasing uniforms for officers. He stated that my predecessor had always provided him with uniforms in a timely manner and I should do the same. I then ended the conversation by turning my back to him and walking away. I guess he doesn’t understand that I hate cheap people, especially those that are making four times the amount of money I receive as a sergeant.

Later that day, I had a young enlisted soldier came to my office and ask for a new set of ACU’s. He started the conversation by saying, “Sergeant, I messed up and took a set of ACU’s the Army issued me and went hunting. While hunting I damaged the ACU’s beyond repair. I know that you don’t have to replace the uniform, but do you happen to have an extra set of ACU’s that I might exchange for this torn set?” I took the old uniform and told the soldier to “stand fast” as I went to the back of the office. I returned a few minutes later with a new set of ACU’s in his size and handed them to the soldier without any chastisement. He thanked me and happily disappeared with the uniform.

Did I forget to mention that I don’t like pushy officers? However, I always try to take care of enlisted soldiers, especially those that are living below the poverty line!

Articles of Faith of Mormon Culture

1. We believe in SUVs and minivans, as the form of transportation, and in knee length shorts, which are always nice, and in multi-level marking.

2. We believe that church ball players should be punished for their own fouls, and not for unsportsmanlike aggression.

3. We believe that through bread crumbs, cheese, creamy soups, and rice all casseroles can be saved through obedience to ward cookbooks and creativity in the mixing bowl.

4. We believe that the first layers and ingredients of the Dip are: first, beans; second, cheese; third, chopped tomatoes; fourth, the gift of sour cream; fifth, olives; sixth, salsa; seventh, guacamole, that is, if you have it.

5. We believe that a Mormon should have a distinguished or a cute name, that it is appropriate to name a child after a church leader or a historical figure including an ancestor, that alternative spellings and French prefixes only add to a name, and that when referring to the names of General Authorities, middle initials should be a part thereof.

6. We believe in the same wall decor that exists in many Mormon homes, namely, framed family proclamations, vinyl lettering, inspirational word signs, family photos, pictures of temples and Jesus, and so forth.

7. We believe in the gift of the re-gift, church books, crafts, family photos, baked goods, emergency supply kits, and so forth.

8. We believe in sparkling grape juice so long as it is nonalcoholic; we also believe in bringing root beer and sprite to ward parties.

9. We believe in all that we have scrapbooked, all that we will now scrapbook, and we believe that we will yet scrapbook many great and important things pertaining to our family, friends, pets, and vacations.

10. We believe in the literal mixing of ketchup and mayo and in the generous application of ranch dressing; that CBAs (church-based acronyms) will be used to describe YM/YW, PEC, the Y, NCMO, and CTR; that Mitt Romney will get Mormons to vote for him any time he runs; and, that the Mormons will enjoy reading "Twilight" and "The Work and the Glory."

11. We claim the privilege of trying to identify common acquaintances with any visitor at church, and allow all other people at church the same privilege, and let them name drop the names of Famous and general authorities how, where, or what they may.

12. We believe in being subject to scoutmasters, pampered chef hostesses, and the writers of the U.S. News and World Report Rankings for professional schools, and in obeying, honoring, and sustaining Glenn Beck.

13. We believe in being above average, good at crafts, optimistic, and being fifteen minutes late everywhere we go. Indeed, we may say that we follow BYU football. We believe rumors about famous people joining the church, we hope to meet the three Nephites, we have endured many pyramid schemes, and hope to be able to endure all pyramid schemes. If there is anything cheap, free, sold in bulk, or given away when somebody is moving, we seek after these things.

Author unknown, but very funny!