Skinny's Medieval Weapon

A few days ago Skinny came to me with a request. She had been assigned another project from school and wanted my help. Skinny’s teacher is the project queen and somehow thinks these homework assignments are useful for the kids. But I beg to differ. The projects are usually constructed by me because they are beyond the building skills of my grade school student, or Mrs. Grouchy who has been known to use colorful adjectives to describe her love for these projects.

This year I’ve built a leprechaun trap, diorama, automatic doormat device and a medieval weapon. All of these projects have caused me to give up valuable time that should have been spent watching television, sleeping or working on this silly blog. Like many dutiful dads with kids in elementary school, I begrudgingly build the projects as quick as possible on the night before they are due. However, this homework assignment was different for me because I saw it as an opportunity to payback Skinny’s teacher for all the ridiculous projects I have built.

Honestly, all I heard from Skinny is that she needed to have a medieval weapon for a classroom presentation as I scurried into the garage to work some magic. In less than 30 minutes I made a medieval weapon from an old broom handle, some 550 cord, a handful of nails and a whole lot of duct tape. We (the kids and I) then successfully tested the weapon on our old couch in the TV room. Afterwards, I unveiled my creation to Mrs. Grouchy who just shook her head in disgust and exclaimed, “Skinny cannot take that thing to school.” I replied, “No problem, you can spend your evening making something to replace this weapon.” She then said, “Put that thing in Skinny’s backpack!”

The next day Skinny proudly took my creation to school and anxiously waited for her opportunity to share with the class our weapon. Skinny told me that the other students in the class brought some really neat projects. Like a miniature battering ram that knocked down a wall of plastic building blocks. Another student had a small catapult that launched tennis balls across the room. The teacher seemed impressed with the projects as she had the students explain their creations and give short demonstrations.

That is until my daughter opened her backpack and presented our project to the class. I guess the teacher’s eyes became very big and she gasped in surprise when it was realized what Skinny had brought to school. Fortunately, Skinny was given a passing grade on the project. She was also allowed to explain her weapon to some very interested students (mainly boys) in the class that asked if they could test the weapon out on something, or somebody. I guess that is when the teacher leaned over to Skinny and whispered, “For the sake of safety, why don’t you put that thing back into your backpack and take it home t-o-d-a-y!

In my defense, I didn’t know the project was supposed to be a miniature model of a medieval weapon. Hey, what’s the big deal with a cute little girl bringing a real mace (spiked ball attached to a club) to grade school?

Skinny's Mace

Lieutenant Shawn and the Monster Poop

A few years ago, I had the unfortunate luck of deploying with one of the worst officers in the United States Army. Honestly, I’ve owned dogs that had more common sense then 1LT Shawn exhibited. Just to prove my point, I’ll share a short story with you.

One day we were tasked with loading a large shipping container with equipment that would be shipped overseas. It had to be loaded in a specific way for the military to send the container. Our first attempt at shipping the container failed and we were required to repack the container to the expectations of a very picky loadmaster. The process of repacking required a team of soldiers to accomplish the task. This was not a big deal and we had the project completely under control. However, 1LT Shawn did not trust us and decided to come along and provide close supervision.

When we arrived at the location everyone, except 1LT Shawn, began working together to get the task accomplished in a timely manner. 1LT Shawn decided he was too important for manual labor and found a wall to lean against as he watched us work. We had the loadmaster nearby and occasionally requested his input. This was the only real supervision we required during the project. After a short amount of time our fine officer realized he was not needed, or wanted, on the project.

This is when he pulled a book out of his cargo pocket and proceeded to read from it while we worked. Then he became hungry and pulled two young soldiers from our work detail to get him donuts. He gave them strict orders on what type of donuts he wanted and sent them on their way. But he failed with one necessary requirement for his tasking, and that was a means to pay for his donut craving. Yes it is true, 1LT Shawn ordered two young enlisted soldiers to use their personal money to buy him donuts. The soldiers begrudgingly did as ordered and soon returned with donuts for the entire group. Everyone except for 1LT Shawn pitched in money for the purchase, had a donut, and went back to work. 1LT Shawn went back to leaning against the wall, as he proceeded to read a book on leadership, and eat his donut!

We eventually finished loading the container and the loadmaster certified our container for shipment. Then 1LT Shawn quickly took credit for our work and proudly reported to the battalion commander his success on the task. After that day none of us had any respect for the guy. This should explain why someone made his vehicle inoperable by jacking it up and placing it on blocks. This also should explain why someone stole his head gear, dropped it in a portable toilet, and then left a monster poop on top of an ACU hat with the name SHAWN clearly displayed for all to see!

Mr. Big and the $20 Pen

I recently had a request from Mr. Big, actually it was through his young lackey that I received the request. The General wanted me to buy new furniture for his office. I guess he was tired of looking at the old stuff, even though it was completely serviceable and acceptable to any normal soldier in the Army.

Mr. Big is an interesting guy! The first time I met him was when he came to my office and demanded a special writing pen. The pen he wanted gave him the ability to write at any angle and I actually heard him say, “I need the pen that can be used to write upside down.” At that moment I wanted to say, “Why the h*** do you need a pen that writes upside down? Take this 25 cent ‘Bic’ pen and get out of my office” Instead, I said “Yes Sir” and order the pen for $20 (The pen is built with a pressurized cartridge and that is how it can write upside down).

After my first experience with Mr. Big, I was not shocked when I received his furniture request for almost $4,000. However, I was surprised that he wanted new furniture at the beginning of the fiscal year when money is scarse for non-mission requests. The funding issue occurs annually and we all deal with it until Congress approves a military budget for that year. During the Bush years funding usually came quickly, which was completely opposite when “Billy Boy” was in office. Once during the Clinton years, I was actually ordered to stay home from work for an entire week because the Army could not pay my lowly salary.

Every person that has worked in the government understands the yearly funding issue. Therefore, the General’s request caught me off guard because he should have known better. Reluctantly, I followed through with his request and went to the cubical of our funding manager. I told her about Mr. Big’s desire for new furniture and she immediately said, “No, we don’t have money for that.” She is a civilian, working for the government, and does not understand how special, I mean powerful, Mr. Big is in my world.

After some persistence on my part, and a visit with a colonel who supervises all the funding managers, the money was transferred into my account. I then bought Mr. Big his beautiful furniture while my soldiers ate MRE’s ("Meals Rejected by Ethiopians") at a required training activity because there was no money in the budget for contracted meals.