Stupid Vehicle!

Last week Mrs. Grouchy took the MAV (Mormon Assault Vehicle) to the shop for some preventive maintenance. When the technician saw it was a Ford Windstar he informed her that our van is known as the Ford "Deathstar" among mechanics. After this enlightenment, along with the history of problems I’ve experienced, I decided to do some research on the dependability of this vehicle.

It is official, our van is a piece-of-crap that cost me a small fortune. My realization has caused me to feel a little depressed over the vehicle I picked. That is until I came across a website with some funny comments from people about their vehicles. I hope you enjoy!

Chevrolet Trailblazer
"It was a warm (88 degrees) sunny day. We were about to leave a local
store and upon closing the front drivers and passenger doors the rear glass
'EXPLODED'!!!!! There were no bullet holes, rocks, rake and torch waving
villagers, nothing that could have caused this..."
Mramirez142 in Abilene, TX, USA

Dodge Ram 1500 4.7L
"The truck started backfiring and that is so embarrassing. Especially
when there are a s***-load of people at the store when you're trying to leave
and everyone ducks because they think it's a drive by."
Kayla L. in Kinder, Louisiana, USA

Ford Escape XLT 3.0L
"C'mon Ford, can you design a vehicle? Put the exhaust right next to the
alternator, stupid!...Then try to put the d** thing [alternator] on! You
need the brain of an engineer, the hands of a strong midget wrestler, and the
neck of an ostrich to even think about this task. Who designed this? ... I
hope I never meet the engineer who deigned this piece of crap in a dark
alley!"
Jeanie N. in Bismarck, ND, USA

Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo 4.0L
"For the past couple of years, my jeep will simply stall without
warning. Engine warm, engine cold, hot weather, cold weather, full moon, no
moon, democrats in office, republicans in office, there is no pattern..."
Malcolmoffire in Houston, Texas, USA

Dodge Ram 1500 4.7L
"The d** truck smokes worse than a freight train and its kinda
embarrassing! Especially when you are going to pass someone and your d**
truck smokes soooooo d** bad that you can't even see the vehicle behind you
anymore!"
Kayla L. in Kinder, Louisiana, USA

Dodge Grand Caravan SXT 3.8L V6
"We noticed that the airbag light was on so we brought it in to the
local dealer for repair. The mechanic called us and told us the two of the
airbag sensors and the wiring harnesses were badly corroded and needed to be
replaced. He then told us that this was NOT covered by our Chrysler Added
Care Plus 7/70 extended warranty . . . I called the warranty center and they
confirmed that this problem is the result of the "Act of God"; therefore it
is not covered by the warranty. Since when does God spread salt on the
roads?"
Camtis in Zimmerman, MN, USA

Oldsmobile Alero
"I was in my home enjoying relaxation time with my family. Then, out the
blue, my car was sounding off something terrible. I was shocked, puzzled, and
bamboozled!!!! Then, I was like "How am I going to stop this horn"? I tried
pressing the buttons on the keys to stop the alarm. Then I began pressing on
the horn. It stopped. Of course, that was short lived. I was PISSED CLEAN THE
H*** OFF!!!!! People outside looking at my ride and me like a d**fool. I
thought I was a d** alien. I kept pressing the horn & it finally stopped.
Again, same ol song. I was HEATED!!!!!!! So here it is 2am in the morning and
as soon as I doze off, my d** horn decides to serenade the neighborhood."
Mizzra in Mansfield, Ohio, USA

Wow, I feel much better about my "Deathstar" after reading, and rereading, these comments. It appears that I'm not the only one to be fooled with the "buy American" campaign. I guess I should have bought a Honda!

One Clueless General

This weekend was our annual records review for soldiers in the unit. The review is a logistical requirement that comes from Department of the Army. Therefore, we have no choice in completing the task. Annual records review consists of three basic parts: 1) soldiers sign a Statement of Accountability that simply says they have all their equipment and it’s in serviceable condition. 2) Soldiers have to update a DA Form 4886, which accounts for clothing the Army has given them.

This form is something every soldier has used since Basic Training. Commissioned officers just write sizes on the 4886 without signing. This is because they usually buy their own clothing. The sizes on the 4886 help us to get soldiers their necessary gear when they deploying. You would be amazed at how many soldiers can’t complete basic Army Form correctly.

Just recently we had a CW5 (Chief Warrant Officer), with over 30 years in the Army, come into the supply room upset because we asked him for sizes on his clothing form. He stated that he had never filled out a 4886 before and we were wasting his time. We patiently listened to his ramblings as I thought to myself, “waste, that is every time this guy receives a paycheck from the Army.”

3) We use a DA Form 3645 for the accountability of “Field Gear” (i.e., sleeping bag, backpack, and other camping items). This form is automated, it requires a soldier to “digitally sign” using a military website. This morning we had a “One Star” yell at us and angrily leave the supply room because he couldn't figure out how to sign his form. Somehow the General thought his stupidity was our fault.

Honestly, I have young E-2’s (Privates) complete this task without any major problems, but today it really baffled our General. When he left I just had to shake my head in amazement. If he can’t even sign a piece of paper using basic computer technology, how is anything getting done around this place? Think about the amount of times you sign your name (i.e., credit cards, online user agreements, etc.) in a day without any problems, and you're not incharge of thousands of soldiers.

Who is signing for the organization? Approving policies? Most importantly, how am I getting paid? I have an answer to all these questions. It’s being done by little green leprechauns! Yes, I’ve heard they complete any task through hard work and a large pot of gold. I've also heard this is how President Obama plans on succeeding with Health Care Reform.