One Annoying Auditor

In the military there are two groups of people that really annoy me. The first group is civilians who work for the military. I’m not taking about retired soldiers who have done their time. I’m talking about the fat slobs that have never spent a day in the military, but feel they are entitled to a military job. These slugs often earn three to four times the amount of money I make for doing the exact same job. In Iraq and Afghanistan they were usually overweight - ignorant - bumpkins with a Texas accent that worked for companies like KBR (Kellogg Brown and Root). Too often, these leeches treat soldiers like second class citizens, and got away with it because they manage facilities (i.e., chow halls, logistics centers, bathing trailers, laundry facilities, etc.)that are essential in a combat zone.

The second group of people that annoy me is those who have used nepotism to succeed in the military. They are soldiers who get special treatment because they’re related to General _____, Sergeant Major _____, or Colonel _____. Recipients of nepotisms have to be treated very gently or they will cry to their person in power. Then daddy, mommy, sibling or in-law will go out of his/her way to make your life miserable.

One of the things I do in my job is purchase items for the Army. I frequently use a GPC (Government Purchase Card) to accomplish this task. A GPC is basically a visa credit card that is managed by the government and has strict regulations regarding its proper use. I’ve been using a GPC for a long time so I understand what can, and cannot, be done with the card. I guess that is why I often get tasked with making unusual purchases with my card.

Over the years, I have made some really goofy purchases with my government credit card. For instance, I’ve rented a wind tunnel for Special Ops soldiers, bought medical supplies for a veterinarian going to Mongolia and paid for the use of a very expensive conference room at a five-star hotel for Mr. Big and his pals. Every time I make one of these silly purchases I have a “knucklehead” in fiscal wanting to me to justify what I have done.
Recently, I have had to deal with a really stupid auditor in fiscal. This special gal is part of my two least favorite groups: First, she is employed by the army and has never served in the military. Second, she is related to someone in power who made sure she was hired. Therefore, I have very little respect for her.

On Thursday, this gal sent me another e-mail wanting me to justify two purchases that I recently made. What frustrates me the most is this stupid gal doesn’t understand that I did not want to make either purchase, but I’m a soldier and follow orders. Therefore, when Mr. Big (who holds title of general) gives me an order, I do it without questioning. However, this gal doesn’t understand basic military logic. Therefore, I usually just reply to her with a silly answer to complete her requirements, and satisfy my frustrations. This was our last e-mail traffic:

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SGT Grouchy,
Good morning I am reviewing your GPC statement and have some questions, if you would email me back with a description of what was purchased and why it was purchased for the transactions below.

12/08/09 Jim’s Office Products for $2999.90
01/13/09 Sammy’s Stamp & Trophy for $340.50

Thanks,
Miss Special
GPC Auditor

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Dear Miss Special,
On 8 December 2009, I purchased office furniture from Jim’s Office Products that is being used in Mr. Big’s office. The old furniture in his office didn't seem to meet his taste and desired décor.

On 13 January 2010, I purchased coffee cups from Sammy’s Stamp and Trophy because Mr. Big ordered me to do it. I think he wanted to give more than just a pat on the back to each recipient of the highly covenanted Employee-of-the-Month Award.

For what it is worth, the coffee cups cost much more then what they are worth. They are oddly shaped and make it impossible to drink coffee without spilling down the front of your shirt. However, Mr. Big is Mormon and I don’t think he cares how well they work. Please feel free to ask him why we paid $30 each for a product that does not work.

Thanks,
SGT. Grouchy
Supply

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A Clever Criminal

We recently had a thief in the building which had many people on edge. In the military a thief is considered to be a scourge of humanity because in our environment you have to be able to trust your compatriots. If a soldier steals from you then how can you ever trust him to cover your back in battle? In the beginning, the problem started with a small heist, candy was taken from the top of a desk. The thief then moved onto larger targets and stole lunches from cubicles and goodies from the break room. In the short space of a few months this despicable character struck numerous times and seemed to be focused on the areas where some of our larger folks reside. Apparently, he had an irresistible craving for food that made you fat.

The bandit did eventually go too far when he broke into the desk of a very special lady and ate her secret stash of Goobers. Well, this caused the victim (an annoying lady with a rotund figure) to complain profusely to Mr. Big and he placed our security folks on notice. They were given a choice, find the thief or look for new employment. Even with the increased vigilance from Barney Fife and his associates, the mysterious disappearance of goodies kept occurring. This was until one evening when a soldier working late caught a glimpse of the thief moving between two cubicles. The soldier immediately tried to apprehend the criminal but was unsuccessful, however, evidence in the form of an empty candy wrapper was left behind.

The next day the thief was seen again. This time he was spotted running down the hallway and it was observed that he had four legs and a tail. It appears that our clever thief was actually a very fat raccoon who was homesteading in the G1 area. The problem was eventually resolved by one resourceful maintenance man who acquired a live trap and baited the device with his half eaten ham sandwich. The four legged bandit was quickly apprehended. Then the maintenance man took the unwanted guest and placed him in the back of his truck while a group of PETA lovers (a few concerned women) petitioned for the release of this four legged bandit. The maintenance man polity explained to these ladies that the raccoon would be released in the wild where he could frolic and live his days in happiness. The answer seemed to clear the consciences of the PETA lovers and they returned to their AO (area of operations).

However, I am guessing these concerned ladies didn’t know what I know. Our maintenance man has a little secret. He moonlights as a fur tanner to make extra money for his frequent hunting trips. I believe it’s safe to say that this raccoon never received a pardon, however, I am sure he made one happy maintenance man a very fine coonskin cap!

A Christmas Wish

Mrs. Grouchy recently made a visit to Ham King’s school. During the visit she noticed his class had completed a writing assignment that was prominently displayed on the wall. The writing assignment was titled “My Christmas Wish.” For the assignment each child was asked write about a single Christmas wish that would reflect the true meaning of Christmas. Across the wall was displayed various responses. For instance, one child desired toys for all children. Another asked for peace in the world. Some wishes even reflected the problems of today. A little girl wished her father could find a job, while a boy wrote that he wanted his mother to be finished with college so they could have more time together.

One child wrote that he wished his family had more money. Ironically, his dad is our dentist and I’m certain that they have plenty of money, especially mine! One of the most touching wishes came from Ham King’s friend. This boy wrote that he just wanted his grandpa back. The wish was heart wrenching because the boy’s grandfather recently passed away. After reading all of these unique wishes my wife excitedly looked for our boy’s wish. She was certain it would be an example of wisdom, insight and good will. After some searching among the wishes Mrs. Grouchy found our boy’s wish and was a little surprised with what he wrote.

This year, Ham King’s greatest desire and wish for Christmas was to have some “good weather” because he just wants to go outside and play with his friends!