Mr. Big and the $20 Pen

I recently had a request from Mr. Big, actually it was through his young lackey that I received the request. The General wanted me to buy new furniture for his office. I guess he was tired of looking at the old stuff, even though it was completely serviceable and acceptable to any normal soldier in the Army.

Mr. Big is an interesting guy! The first time I met him was when he came to my office and demanded a special writing pen. The pen he wanted gave him the ability to write at any angle and I actually heard him say, “I need the pen that can be used to write upside down.” At that moment I wanted to say, “Why the h*** do you need a pen that writes upside down? Take this 25 cent ‘Bic’ pen and get out of my office” Instead, I said “Yes Sir” and order the pen for $20 (The pen is built with a pressurized cartridge and that is how it can write upside down).

After my first experience with Mr. Big, I was not shocked when I received his furniture request for almost $4,000. However, I was surprised that he wanted new furniture at the beginning of the fiscal year when money is scarse for non-mission requests. The funding issue occurs annually and we all deal with it until Congress approves a military budget for that year. During the Bush years funding usually came quickly, which was completely opposite when “Billy Boy” was in office. Once during the Clinton years, I was actually ordered to stay home from work for an entire week because the Army could not pay my lowly salary.

Every person that has worked in the government understands the yearly funding issue. Therefore, the General’s request caught me off guard because he should have known better. Reluctantly, I followed through with his request and went to the cubical of our funding manager. I told her about Mr. Big’s desire for new furniture and she immediately said, “No, we don’t have money for that.” She is a civilian, working for the government, and does not understand how special, I mean powerful, Mr. Big is in my world.

After some persistence on my part, and a visit with a colonel who supervises all the funding managers, the money was transferred into my account. I then bought Mr. Big his beautiful furniture while my soldiers ate MRE’s ("Meals Rejected by Ethiopians") at a required training activity because there was no money in the budget for contracted meals.