Two New Additions

The Grouchy home has recently gained two new additions, “Buford” and “Socks.” Yes we now have two cats, and no they were not my idea. What happened was my sister, the cat lover, played a fast one on me by invited my kids over to her house to see her cute little kittens. Then for the next month all I heard was “Dad can we please have a kitten? “ My sister then snookered me a second time when she convinced Mrs. Grouch that two kittens were better than one. See said that two kittens will entertain each other and we will not have as much meowing, howling, crying, and whatever the heck cats do! Surprisingly, my wife fell for the whole bunch of nonsense.

Well, I thought I would payback my sister so I asked to have her completely black kitten and then told the kids I would be naming that cat. The kids reluctantly agreed to the deal and I announced his name would be “Buford.” My wife asked, “Why Buford?” I smiled and said the cat would be named after one of my favorite characters, Sheriff Buford T. Justice, from the movie Smoky and the Bandit.

After the kids agreed to the name, I announced my real intent when my sister came over for a visit. I had a different name in mind for the black cat. He would be called “Bad-Luck-Buford” and I told my sister that every time I felt like my luck was going south, I would hock a loogie on Buford and that would brighten my future. (Excerpt from a book on superstitions, “When a black cat passes in front of you, spit, to avert bad luck.”)

My sister, the cat lover, was not amused with my big idea that involved loogies. But I must admit that the whole thing made me laugh and laugh. Then I found out that her young daughter cried when she had heard that I was going to be spiting on her favorite little kitty. So I had to think of a way to redeem myself and still enjoy the happiness of a masterly crafted victory.

Yesterday, I found a dead mouse near were the kittens had been playing in the yard. Without any hesitation, I marched into the house and announced to the kids that the kittens are already doing their job as mousers. I explained how I found the dead mouse and I was sure that the kittens had killed it. I told the kids that Buford has been renamed, he will now be called “Good-Luck-Buford.”

The plan went just as expected, today in church the kids excitingly told their cousins about the captured mouse and the cat’s name change. Everyone is blissfully happy this evening, and after the kids went to bed I snuck outside and threw away all the remaining mouse poison from inside the shed. The way I figured is one of two things happened: The mouse ate my poison and died near the shed, or the kittens got lucky and they had their first kill. Well, I’m going with the latter for the sake of family happiness.

Writer's Block

Recently, I have been suffering from writer's block. This is due to the fact that Mr. Big has been out of town and the rest of "thinking heads" (senior staff) have been occupied with upcoming deployments. Therefore, work has been surprisingly normal. I've supplied you with something that should make you smile. I discovered this story and it is worth sharing.


One summer day years ago, I pulled over to the side of the highway, got out of my truck and threw my cell phone as far as I could into D C Reservoir.

Note: I realize that introducing a cell phone battery into a body of water is ecologically unsound. However, please understand that I was in a rage at the time and, furthermore, today I still don't care. But I promise not to do it again.

Ditching my phone remains in my Top Ten Favorite Memories. I still get a shiver of pleasure when I recall that it was ringing when it hit the water.

The call may have been an emergency of some sort. We'll never know for sure because nothing developed later that suggested my immediate attention was required at that moment.

I bought the phone believing it would give me more freedom. I was the editor of a small newspaper at the time. With the ability to be called anywhere, I wouldn't be chained to a desk.

What an idiot. Having a cell phone on my hip was like taking my desk with me everywhere I went, including to the bathroom.

Within a matter of days, the entire world was calling with important stuff I needed to know about right then. Here's a sampling:

"Some guy wants you to call him."

"The copier is jammed again."

"Hey, whatcha doing?"

"Bring me some nachos."

"Mr. K, would you be interested in a comparison quote ...?"

I was on my way to H City when I hit my limit. Ring. Ring. Ring. SCREEEECH! Slam. Throw. Kerplunk!

The rest of the week was spent in blissful silence. If my cell phone rang during that time, only fish knew about it.

I wish it had been a matter of simply turning off the phone and picking up my messages later, but that didn't really work for me. First of all, I didn't want to call everyone back. Second, I resented the growing expectation that I had to be immediately available to whoever had my number.

"Well, I called your cell phone," was the accusatory response whenever someone wanted my attention.

I have a cell phone today. I bought another one when my wife got cancer. They're handy, but I'm not going to become another OCD (obsessive communication dork) who can't imagine life without tweeting, twittering and texting.

Prediction: Fifty years from now, the No. 1 medical procedure performed in America will be thumb knuckle replacement surgery.

Yesterday, someone was annoyed that I hadn't received a text message that a meeting had been canceled. When I told him that I didn't have a Whackberry and wasn't going to get one, he was incredulous. He looked at me like I was a caveman.

My friend said his electronic tumor only cost a couple of hundred bucks up front, and another hundred a month for the service. He felt like it was a small price to pay for being instantly available.

I still feel like it's a lot of money just to give fish something to do.

written by R K

Special People in Airports

Today I had to travel across the country on TDY (temporary duty) orders so that I could attend some logistics training. I was bored much of the day, therefore, I utilized the opportunity to make a few observations of people in airports. I suspect you might have had similar observations during your travels.

First, have you noticed the special people who try to get “everything but the kitchen sink” onto the plane as carry-on baggage? These people are too cheap to pay baggage fees, so they just drag everything onto the aircraft. These idiots cause problems for the rest of us because they hog precious space in the overhead compartments. This means that you are forced to stow away your stuff in space that is designed for your legs. Then your legs are completely numb by the time you reach your final destination because they are crammed between your backpack and coat.

Second, am I the only person that thinks the preferred customers program for airlines stink? Who cares if you belong to the gold, silver, diamond, sapphire, platinum or other silly programs! Hey Buddy, go ahead and be the first person onto that cramped plane. I’ll stay out in this spacious lobby for as long as possible. Don’t worry about that little old lady using the walker to get onto the aircraft. She’ll get out of your way because you’re a real special person! The rule is: Pay a little extra money for an airplane ticket and you’re entitled to forget all your manners.

Third, have you noticed the clowns that have to advertise their favorite sports team for all to see? These walking billboards usually wear an entire wardrobe of their team’s colors and logo. Hey Crazy Sports Guy, do you really need a hat, shirt, coat, gloves and backpack with your team’s colors and logo? I don’t care how much you love the Indianapolis Colts. Your team still lost the big game to a football team from N-E-W O-R-L-E-A-N-S and you paid way too much money for that “official” team gear!

Forth, have you seen some of the goofy clothing styles people think are nifty? Hey Gangster Wannabe, I don’t need to see your nappy butt. Pull up those baggy pants or take the chance of me depositing my unwanted change into that crack you have on display. Also, have you notice that stretch pants are the new style among trendy young women? Honestly, these pants make ladies look like they are just wearing a pair of long underwear. I thinking this style might be a sign of the times. It appears that women on a budget might not be able to afford a stylish pair of jeans or a skirt, but they can afford a nice pair of long underwear. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining about the new style, except when it is a 200 pound woman who is sporting these nifty stretch knit leggings. Hey Supersized Lady, you have way too much jiggle in the wiggle to sport that big caboose in public!

After spending a day in some airports across America, I’ve decided that this country is just full of special people. I can now understand how it is possible that I have a Commander-In-Chief who goes by the name Barack.