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Thursday, October 7, 2010
Stupid Vehicle!
Last week Mrs. Grouchy took the MAV (Mormon Assault Vehicle) to the shop for some preventive maintenance. When the technician saw it was a Ford Windstar he informed her that our van is known as the Ford "Deathstar" among mechanics. After this enlightenment, along with the history of problems I’ve experienced, I decided to do some research on the dependability of this vehicle.
It is official, our van is a piece-of-crap that cost me a small fortune. My realization has caused me to feel a little depressed over the vehicle I picked. That is until I came across a website with some funny comments from people about their vehicles. I hope you enjoy!
Chevrolet Trailblazer
"It was a warm (88 degrees) sunny day. We were about to leave a local
store and upon closing the front drivers and passenger doors the rear glass
'EXPLODED'!!!!! There were no bullet holes, rocks, rake and torch waving
villagers, nothing that could have caused this..."
Mramirez142 in Abilene, TX, USA
Dodge Ram 1500 4.7L
"The truck started backfiring and that is so embarrassing. Especially
when there are a s***-load of people at the store when you're trying to leave
and everyone ducks because they think it's a drive by."
Kayla L. in Kinder, Louisiana, USA
Ford Escape XLT 3.0L
"C'mon Ford, can you design a vehicle? Put the exhaust right next to the
alternator, stupid!...Then try to put the d** thing [alternator] on! You
need the brain of an engineer, the hands of a strong midget wrestler, and the
neck of an ostrich to even think about this task. Who designed this? ... I
hope I never meet the engineer who deigned this piece of crap in a dark
alley!"
Jeanie N. in Bismarck, ND, USA
Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo 4.0L
"For the past couple of years, my jeep will simply stall without
warning. Engine warm, engine cold, hot weather, cold weather, full moon, no
moon, democrats in office, republicans in office, there is no pattern..."
Malcolmoffire in Houston, Texas, USA
Dodge Ram 1500 4.7L
"The d** truck smokes worse than a freight train and its kinda
embarrassing! Especially when you are going to pass someone and your d**
truck smokes soooooo d** bad that you can't even see the vehicle behind you
anymore!"
Kayla L. in Kinder, Louisiana, USA
Dodge Grand Caravan SXT 3.8L V6
"We noticed that the airbag light was on so we brought it in to the
local dealer for repair. The mechanic called us and told us the two of the
airbag sensors and the wiring harnesses were badly corroded and needed to be
replaced. He then told us that this was NOT covered by our Chrysler Added
Care Plus 7/70 extended warranty . . . I called the warranty center and they
confirmed that this problem is the result of the "Act of God"; therefore it
is not covered by the warranty. Since when does God spread salt on the
roads?"
Camtis in Zimmerman, MN, USA
Oldsmobile Alero
"I was in my home enjoying relaxation time with my family. Then, out the
blue, my car was sounding off something terrible. I was shocked, puzzled, and
bamboozled!!!! Then, I was like "How am I going to stop this horn"? I tried
pressing the buttons on the keys to stop the alarm. Then I began pressing on
the horn. It stopped. Of course, that was short lived. I was PISSED CLEAN THE
H*** OFF!!!!! People outside looking at my ride and me like a d**fool. I
thought I was a d** alien. I kept pressing the horn & it finally stopped.
Again, same ol song. I was HEATED!!!!!!! So here it is 2am in the morning and
as soon as I doze off, my d** horn decides to serenade the neighborhood."
Mizzra in Mansfield, Ohio, USA
Wow, I feel much better about my "Deathstar" after reading, and rereading, these comments. It appears that I'm not the only one to be fooled with the "buy American" campaign. I guess I should have bought a Honda!
It is official, our van is a piece-of-crap that cost me a small fortune. My realization has caused me to feel a little depressed over the vehicle I picked. That is until I came across a website with some funny comments from people about their vehicles. I hope you enjoy!
Chevrolet Trailblazer
"It was a warm (88 degrees) sunny day. We were about to leave a local
store and upon closing the front drivers and passenger doors the rear glass
'EXPLODED'!!!!! There were no bullet holes, rocks, rake and torch waving
villagers, nothing that could have caused this..."
Mramirez142 in Abilene, TX, USA
Dodge Ram 1500 4.7L
"The truck started backfiring and that is so embarrassing. Especially
when there are a s***-load of people at the store when you're trying to leave
and everyone ducks because they think it's a drive by."
Kayla L. in Kinder, Louisiana, USA
Ford Escape XLT 3.0L
"C'mon Ford, can you design a vehicle? Put the exhaust right next to the
alternator, stupid!...Then try to put the d** thing [alternator] on! You
need the brain of an engineer, the hands of a strong midget wrestler, and the
neck of an ostrich to even think about this task. Who designed this? ... I
hope I never meet the engineer who deigned this piece of crap in a dark
alley!"
Jeanie N. in Bismarck, ND, USA
Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo 4.0L
"For the past couple of years, my jeep will simply stall without
warning. Engine warm, engine cold, hot weather, cold weather, full moon, no
moon, democrats in office, republicans in office, there is no pattern..."
Malcolmoffire in Houston, Texas, USA
Dodge Ram 1500 4.7L
"The d** truck smokes worse than a freight train and its kinda
embarrassing! Especially when you are going to pass someone and your d**
truck smokes soooooo d** bad that you can't even see the vehicle behind you
anymore!"
Kayla L. in Kinder, Louisiana, USA
Dodge Grand Caravan SXT 3.8L V6
"We noticed that the airbag light was on so we brought it in to the
local dealer for repair. The mechanic called us and told us the two of the
airbag sensors and the wiring harnesses were badly corroded and needed to be
replaced. He then told us that this was NOT covered by our Chrysler Added
Care Plus 7/70 extended warranty . . . I called the warranty center and they
confirmed that this problem is the result of the "Act of God"; therefore it
is not covered by the warranty. Since when does God spread salt on the
roads?"
Camtis in Zimmerman, MN, USA
Oldsmobile Alero
"I was in my home enjoying relaxation time with my family. Then, out the
blue, my car was sounding off something terrible. I was shocked, puzzled, and
bamboozled!!!! Then, I was like "How am I going to stop this horn"? I tried
pressing the buttons on the keys to stop the alarm. Then I began pressing on
the horn. It stopped. Of course, that was short lived. I was PISSED CLEAN THE
H*** OFF!!!!! People outside looking at my ride and me like a d**fool. I
thought I was a d** alien. I kept pressing the horn & it finally stopped.
Again, same ol song. I was HEATED!!!!!!! So here it is 2am in the morning and
as soon as I doze off, my d** horn decides to serenade the neighborhood."
Mizzra in Mansfield, Ohio, USA
Wow, I feel much better about my "Deathstar" after reading, and rereading, these comments. It appears that I'm not the only one to be fooled with the "buy American" campaign. I guess I should have bought a Honda!
Saturday, October 2, 2010
One Clueless General
This weekend was our annual records review for soldiers in the unit. The review is a logistical requirement that comes from Department of the Army. Therefore, we have no choice in completing the task. Annual records review consists of three basic parts: 1) soldiers sign a Statement of Accountability that simply says they have all their equipment and it’s in serviceable condition. 2) Soldiers have to update a DA Form 4886, which accounts for clothing the Army has given them.
This form is something every soldier has used since Basic Training. Commissioned officers just write sizes on the 4886 without signing. This is because they usually buy their own clothing. The sizes on the 4886 help us to get soldiers their necessary gear when they deploying. You would be amazed at how many soldiers can’t complete basic Army Form correctly.
Just recently we had a CW5 (Chief Warrant Officer), with over 30 years in the Army, come into the supply room upset because we asked him for sizes on his clothing form. He stated that he had never filled out a 4886 before and we were wasting his time. We patiently listened to his ramblings as I thought to myself, “waste, that is every time this guy receives a paycheck from the Army.”
3) We use a DA Form 3645 for the accountability of “Field Gear” (i.e., sleeping bag, backpack, and other camping items). This form is automated, it requires a soldier to “digitally sign” using a military website. This morning we had a “One Star” yell at us and angrily leave the supply room because he couldn't figure out how to sign his form. Somehow the General thought his stupidity was our fault.
Honestly, I have young E-2’s (Privates) complete this task without any major problems, but today it really baffled our General. When he left I just had to shake my head in amazement. If he can’t even sign a piece of paper using basic computer technology, how is anything getting done around this place? Think about the amount of times you sign your name (i.e., credit cards, online user agreements, etc.) in a day without any problems, and you're not incharge of thousands of soldiers.
Who is signing for the organization? Approving policies? Most importantly, how am I getting paid? I have an answer to all these questions. It’s being done by little green leprechauns! Yes, I’ve heard they complete any task through hard work and a large pot of gold. I've also heard this is how President Obama plans on succeeding with Health Care Reform.
This form is something every soldier has used since Basic Training. Commissioned officers just write sizes on the 4886 without signing. This is because they usually buy their own clothing. The sizes on the 4886 help us to get soldiers their necessary gear when they deploying. You would be amazed at how many soldiers can’t complete basic Army Form correctly.
Just recently we had a CW5 (Chief Warrant Officer), with over 30 years in the Army, come into the supply room upset because we asked him for sizes on his clothing form. He stated that he had never filled out a 4886 before and we were wasting his time. We patiently listened to his ramblings as I thought to myself, “waste, that is every time this guy receives a paycheck from the Army.”
3) We use a DA Form 3645 for the accountability of “Field Gear” (i.e., sleeping bag, backpack, and other camping items). This form is automated, it requires a soldier to “digitally sign” using a military website. This morning we had a “One Star” yell at us and angrily leave the supply room because he couldn't figure out how to sign his form. Somehow the General thought his stupidity was our fault.
Honestly, I have young E-2’s (Privates) complete this task without any major problems, but today it really baffled our General. When he left I just had to shake my head in amazement. If he can’t even sign a piece of paper using basic computer technology, how is anything getting done around this place? Think about the amount of times you sign your name (i.e., credit cards, online user agreements, etc.) in a day without any problems, and you're not incharge of thousands of soldiers.
Who is signing for the organization? Approving policies? Most importantly, how am I getting paid? I have an answer to all these questions. It’s being done by little green leprechauns! Yes, I’ve heard they complete any task through hard work and a large pot of gold. I've also heard this is how President Obama plans on succeeding with Health Care Reform.
Monday, September 20, 2010
One Stupid Company Commander
Today my unit had a family party at a local park and it was exceptionally good in almost every way. The ladies from Family Support worked really hard to make a wonderful event. They had a nice barbecue, a Jump-House for the kids, activities for the teens and a dessert bake-off for the wife’s. They even had a raffle with some great prizes for any willing participants. The event started off well and everyone was happy.
I must admit that I was feeling a little guilty for not inviting Mrs. Grouch and the kids, as I devoured some tasty barbecued pork, while sitting in the company of old friend. The day was perfect, which is a rarity for any party sponsored by the military. That is why I seldom invite Mrs. Grouchy and the kids to such events. During 19 years in the military, I have learned a few things. One is that when it comes to unit parties it is best for Mrs. Grouchy to stay home. This is because the day usually ends with Mrs. Grouchy being completely disgusted and frustrated with the military.
Over the years, some notable disgust has been from the following observations: excessive alcohol use among young soldiers, improperly cooked food that produced unwanted results, awards programs that were designed to stroke the egos of overpaid officers, and parties that were planned during Sunday morning church services.
Today I was pleasantly surprised with the unit party until the Commander stood up and said he had a quick brief he wanted to give us while we ate. I should have known things were about to get bad when the ladies from Family Support immediately wisked all the small children away for a preplanned game.
After some beating-around-the-bush by my fine Commander, he told us the topic of the brief. It was Suicide Prevention for soldiers. Wow, what a quick way to spoil my appetite. Try listening to 30 minutes of statistics, perceived causes, ridiculous solutions, and warning signs for suicides. Then to top it off, he had to rehash a suicide which recently occurred in our organization.
The Captain made it sound like he knew and understood this guy who died, but it was apparent he didn't. This is when I wanted to say “Hey Captain, you don’t know jack-sh*# about this soldier. Just sit down and shut up."
Let me tell you his story. Gus was a guy who had everything going for him. He had a good civilian job, a nice family and a promising military career. Then the Army decided to send him to Iraq. While in Iraq, he went through some events that changed his life and caused him to have long-term problems we call PTSD. After his time in Iraq, the transition back to civilian life didn’t work out so well. Gus had problems that caused him and his wife to separate.
Then the Army decided to send him on a short-tour to South America. While he was away Gus made a big mistake, he became romantically involved with a local gal. After he returned to the States, a soldier from his unit decided to tell Gus's wife about the affair. This caused a divorce and limited visitation rights with his kids. After the divorce Gus lost his civilian job.
Then the Army went one step farther and barred him from reenlistment. He lost his family, job and military career after a 14 month deployment to Iraq. My friend Gus committed suicide only a few days before he was to be discharged from the military.
Fortunately for me, today I kept my thoughts to myself as I listened to a stupid officer talk about someone he didn't know or understand. At the end of the brief, I took my unfinished meal and threw it into the garbage. I left the party early and spent the rest of the afternoon at a local sporting goods store before I returned home to my family.
I'm just glad that I did not invite Mrs. Grouch to the party!
I must admit that I was feeling a little guilty for not inviting Mrs. Grouch and the kids, as I devoured some tasty barbecued pork, while sitting in the company of old friend. The day was perfect, which is a rarity for any party sponsored by the military. That is why I seldom invite Mrs. Grouchy and the kids to such events. During 19 years in the military, I have learned a few things. One is that when it comes to unit parties it is best for Mrs. Grouchy to stay home. This is because the day usually ends with Mrs. Grouchy being completely disgusted and frustrated with the military.
Over the years, some notable disgust has been from the following observations: excessive alcohol use among young soldiers, improperly cooked food that produced unwanted results, awards programs that were designed to stroke the egos of overpaid officers, and parties that were planned during Sunday morning church services.
Today I was pleasantly surprised with the unit party until the Commander stood up and said he had a quick brief he wanted to give us while we ate. I should have known things were about to get bad when the ladies from Family Support immediately wisked all the small children away for a preplanned game.
After some beating-around-the-bush by my fine Commander, he told us the topic of the brief. It was Suicide Prevention for soldiers. Wow, what a quick way to spoil my appetite. Try listening to 30 minutes of statistics, perceived causes, ridiculous solutions, and warning signs for suicides. Then to top it off, he had to rehash a suicide which recently occurred in our organization.
The Captain made it sound like he knew and understood this guy who died, but it was apparent he didn't. This is when I wanted to say “Hey Captain, you don’t know jack-sh*# about this soldier. Just sit down and shut up."
Let me tell you his story. Gus was a guy who had everything going for him. He had a good civilian job, a nice family and a promising military career. Then the Army decided to send him to Iraq. While in Iraq, he went through some events that changed his life and caused him to have long-term problems we call PTSD. After his time in Iraq, the transition back to civilian life didn’t work out so well. Gus had problems that caused him and his wife to separate.
Then the Army decided to send him on a short-tour to South America. While he was away Gus made a big mistake, he became romantically involved with a local gal. After he returned to the States, a soldier from his unit decided to tell Gus's wife about the affair. This caused a divorce and limited visitation rights with his kids. After the divorce Gus lost his civilian job.
Then the Army went one step farther and barred him from reenlistment. He lost his family, job and military career after a 14 month deployment to Iraq. My friend Gus committed suicide only a few days before he was to be discharged from the military.
Fortunately for me, today I kept my thoughts to myself as I listened to a stupid officer talk about someone he didn't know or understand. At the end of the brief, I took my unfinished meal and threw it into the garbage. I left the party early and spent the rest of the afternoon at a local sporting goods store before I returned home to my family.
I'm just glad that I did not invite Mrs. Grouch to the party!
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